It has been 3 years...yet I am still struggling every single fucking day

I have disappeared for months since my last post.

Reason?

Work sucks. I have been pulled in all over the places, since my bosses felt their important projects all need my attention and care.

Nevermind that we are in the midst of COVID pandemic. Nevermind that other people should be doing the sh*t work that I am doing because their bloody CEP is higher.

Life has never been fair, remember?

And yes. My health took yet another serious dive recently, ever since the day I discovered the affair.

Since 2017, I have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). 

When I try to tell my "well-meaning" relatives that it is not a simple case of "moving-on"; since it is PTSD dammit! However, they would shrug it off, as if I am trying to be a bloody attention seeker. They simply tell me not to over-exaggerate and that I should be over it by now. 

Seriously?

Sometimes I regretted that they are involved, sometimes I really wish that they will undergo the same  unfortunate experience which I went through.

Aside from the mental fallout from PTSD, my physical health also went south.

I was diagnosed with Hiatal Hernias, after a sudden onset of symptoms from the Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disease (GERD). I was told that the extreme stress could have caused these.

My hair also started to fall out and adult acne plagued my skin.

While I am battling all these mental and medical shit all these years, that bloody bitch has been happily busy getting married to her boyfriend, who has finally gotten rid of his wife for her.

To be fair, she had told my spouse that all she ever wanted is to get married to her boyfriend, and he happily went along with her. I mean, why not? A willing slut to fool around with any men. He must be a fool to pass on such an opportunity, right?

Her fling with my spouse was to give her boyfriend a bloody kick in his cowardly nuts, a sweet revenge for taking his time to get rid of his wife to marry her. 

And yes, she finally got her wish. She finally got the marriage papers signed with him last year. Her traditional Chinese banquet was supposed this year.

Life has never been fair, remember?

As for my spouse, his career took off because he can finally concentrate on his work; he no longer sneaks off in between his working hours to look for her, or cook up any lame excuses in order to look for her secretly during the weekends. Although he claimed that he "suffered" as much as I did, after witnessing the devastation he brought upon me, he still is in much better mental and physical shape than me.

Life has never been fair, remember?

I know why I am still upset. 

Deep down inside, I have this useless belief that life is supposed to be fair; work hard and the rewards will come to your way. Treat people well and they will reciprocate the gesture. Bad things will happen to bad people. 

Everything is a consequence of your actions, directly or indirectly. Doesn't the law of karma, be it good or bad, supposed to work in that manner? 

I realized that I have been brought up with this foolish fairy tale belief, and this silly faith is not helping me at all. It is causing me much mental anguish and pain since subconsciously, I rebelled at the injustice of it all; why things did not work out the way it was supposed to. This belief is nothing but a big fucking lie.

Stupid me. I am damn well aware that because you won't eat a lion, doesn't mean that it won't eat you. Hence, I should have known better that because I won't cheat, doesn't mean that my spouse won't cheat on me. In that same vein of thought, that because she broke up families, doesn't mean that someone will breakup hers.

When can I stop feeling the injustice of this all?!