How to survive the 1st month of the D(iscovery) day....

Dear Betrayed Spouse.

I am sorry that you are reading this.

The intention of this post is to share the things which I did, or didn't do, that had helped me pull through the 1st agonizing month.

I hope my sharing will help you too.

Physical Health

Health is the very first, foremost thing you should take note of. Although I am a very slim lady, weighing less than 40kg, my weight plummeted and I lost 5 kg within the first 2 weeks and the people around me thought that I am suffering from Anorexia Nervosa. 

However, I soon realized that neglecting myself is not going to help me in any way, my thoughtless actions are not going to get my unfaithful spouse back. 

For those who are punishing yourself in the hope that your unfaithful spouse will pity you and stay is going to make matters worse. 

In fact, your unfaithful spouse will be comparing with you with The Other Woman (TOW) or The Other Man (TOM), and secretly despising you for not able to take care of yourself, unlike their new shiny partner. 

Remember the only person who is capable of loving you is yourself. No other. You need to stop hurting yourself as much as he or she has hurt you. 

The last thing you need is to fight this long battle with a physically weakened body.

1. Drink lots of plain water or real fruit juice

Since it is impossible to keep food down, you should drink tons of water to ensure your body is dehydrated. Lack of water has an adverse impact on your skin, brain and vital organs in the body. If you are not drinking enough (especially after all the crying, sweating and so on), there is not enough fluid to flush out toxins from your body or regulate the temperature.

2. Eat a bit of instant cereal or oats

Having a small cup of instant cereal or oats is better than skipping the meals in its entirety. These gluten-free whole grains are a  great source of vitamins, minerals, fiber and antioxidants. Choose those with low sugar. 

On the other end of the spectrum, there are people who drink excessively, drowning in alcohol and over indulge in food as an unhealthy way of coping with stress and trauma.

Please remember, abusing yourself in unhealthy ways only gives your unfaithful spouse, yet another excuse for leaving you and choosing TOW or TOM.

Mental Health

How to cope with the pain, anguish and the ripped reality that you are living in? I did not have any clue. Mentally, I was in the worst ever position in my life, I was drowning in everything; struggling with my work, preparing for my post graduate studies and juggling a renovation since my unfaithful spouse was busy wooing a woman who is so bored waiting for her married BF to finalise divorcing his wife. The last thing I have expected is having to face the stress of an imploded marriage.

My mind did not break down immediately. However, the mental stress immediately triggered my self harming tendencies, something which I have eventually stopped doing after I started my university. 

1. Vent your emotions in a safe manner

Find somewhere private where you can cry, scream, shout in wild abandon. Want to get physical? Throw your punches at a soft pillow (not at yourself, like I did), throw soft toys instead of furniture or breakable things. Penting-up emotions, just because they are too overwhelming, put the stress on the mind and the body, creating psychological distress and can lead to physical problems like heart disease, headaches, insomnia and depression. I am still unable to condone myself for allowing physical harm upon myself (by myself)! It took me weeks before the sight of my bruised arms and legs woke me up. And  my unfaithful spouse relished at the sight because, he had wanted to use this as an excuse to leave me

2. Talk to someone you trusted

This is the tricky part...and although this might help you now, you have to consider the potential pitfalls in the future. For instance, talking to your best friend might seem to be the most natural response to the traumatic situation you are facing right now. However, whether if your best friend has the emotional maturity to handle touchy topics such as unfaithful spouses, is yet another uncertainty. Out of good faith, your best friend might urge you to make the premature decision to leave your unfaithful spouse immediately. Some might fall out with you, when you choose to stay with your unfaithful spouse. This is because your actions violate the values or beliefs they had. Another option, is to talk to a professional such as a marriage marriage counseling psychologist or psychiatrist or counselor. However, the marriage counselor I have engaged could not even fully understand the extent of damage which were done, and have simply viewed it as a "client venting and then collection of payment" session. Talking to survivors, who have undergone the same experience with you might help too.

3. Read and educate yourself

There are so many self-help books, literature and even blogs which can help you in your journey. Some teach you about why affairs happen, and why the romance between your unfaithful spouse and TOW/TOM is doomed to fail, or designated to flourish. Read them with open mind, you will be surprised that arming yourself with a lot of knowledge will significantly change your perception of the situation you are in.

Perhaps the most important thing that you should be aware is that you will be facing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from the day you discovered your spouse had betrayed you. You will have many flashbacks of the D day, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the affair. Events, objects which reminded you of the affair will trigger you. Knowing that you are not CRAZY, but simply facing PTSD symptoms ,is the single most important step in getting the necessary mental support and treatment. 

Lastly, it is too early to make any life changing decision yet, divorce or not to divorce. Leave or stay. Tell your kids or not.... Take sometime to process through and think about all the possible consequences before you make any choices.