A Fresh Beginning - Recreating Memories

An Essential Step to rebuild a Fractured Marriage

A lot of self-help books mentioned the importance of recreation of fond memories after the betrayal. They touted that this is an essential step which is vital in rebuilding a fractured Marriage. During these agonizing 1.5 years, I often ponder and wonder whether this really works for us.

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A Conscious Decision

I know that having fond memories help to sustain a healthy Marriage. What about the toxic ones which we have inevitably created during the journey towards reconciliation? How do we get past that?!

The memories which were created before the D day are forever tainted. The ones which I thought were the most beautiful and meaningful were slammed by him as the silly, naive and childish things which he had done with me, as compared to the ones he spent with Her.

The worst imaginable behavior was naturally observed just before and after D day; ridiculous lies, false accusations, family members taking sides, seemingly endless arguments and so forth.

Then came the big decision, to take flight or stay? To give a second chance to him, ride out the storm and heal my battered heart and soul...

Or to give it all up, pack and leave?

You would have guessed by now; the process of creating fond memories after all these traumatic events is an uphill task, and hence it has to be a conscious decision by both parties to make the relationship work. Think of it as the make or break, last ditch effort to save the Marriage. 

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A Fresh Beginning

Starting afresh is challenging; and involves the rewiring the entire DNA of our Marriage; our entire daily routine, habits and activities. The process is not easy, it is one that is fraught with many hurdles.

Obstacles Abound 

Routine is the regular way of doing things in a particular order. In our attempt to change this, we purposefully injected new routines, which can be as simple as changing the sides of the bed we sleep, making breakfast at the start of the day, dropping off or fetching me from work to complex ones, such as swapping the household roles. As we slowly eased into our new routine and roles, mistakes were made along the way and valuable lessons were learned.

However, habits are much, much harder to change. This is because habits are actions that we habitually acted out subconsciously and therefore, changing the way we react, respond and ultimately behave towards each other is much more challenging.

Triggers can happen at the most unexpected moments; sometimes right after a "good" day, during a seemly "innocent" conversation or on the D day anniversary date.

Furthermore, over-zealous relatives, they would give unsolicited "advises" such as "treat the affair as it has never happened", "never ever bring the affair up again", "never attempt to control your husband" and so on if I ever want to save our Marriage.

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I am so glad that I equipped myself with the necessary knowledge rather than listening to these unsolicited "advises" aka bullsh*t that are based on unfounded optimism and out-of-the-world mis-beliefs.

Tiding Over the Rough Period

Nevertheless, here are the 4 main areas which we focus on to hold together to our Marriage, which is hanging by the thinnest thread. When the going gets tough, we would constantly refocus our energy in these places.

#1. Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference
A positive mindset, genuine remorse and burning desire to make things right; all these qualities have to be exhibited by him to make the journey of forgiveness and reconciliation feel "safe" for me to embark on.

#2. Love is Patient, Love is Kind
How do I know if he truly means it? Immerse patience, to me, is somewhat a form of compassion and demonstration of his genuine intention to repair the fractured relationship. Furthermore, his willingness to take a lead in initiating these sweeping changes in the relationship also helps.

#3. Evaluation of his Moral Values and Beliefs

"Moral understanding is not the only thing that changes as people mature. People's values tend to change over time as well. Values that suited you as a child change as you become a young adult, form relationships and make your way in the world. What makes sense to you as a single person no longer makes sense when you are married, or have children. What makes sense to you as a parent no longer makes sense to you when you retire. Many themes remain the same across the years, to be sure, but not all of them do. 
Humanist psychologists propose that people have an innate sense of values and personal preferences that tends to get buried under layers of social demands and expectations (social morals). Part of the human journey involves the gradual rediscovery of these innate and highly personal desires, which get unconsciously hidden away when they are seen to conflict with society's demands. You may have a desire to do artwork, but you become a banker instead simply because this pleases your perfectionist and worried parents. You may have homosexual inclinations, but get married (to an opposite sex spouse) and have children, simply because to do otherwise in your family and community would be unheard of and shameful."  From Values And Morals Clarification: Value Changes

His brutal openness with his moral values, willingness to reevaluate and reexamine which are the ones that are undermining the Marriage is the essential first step. By honestly acknowledging the aspects where these moral values play a big role in the failed Marriage, and his sincere desire in wanting to change them, actually helped us to recognize whether if it is still worthwhile to save the Marriage.

#4. Setting Appropriate Boundaries

"There are also psychological boundaries around each individual in a relationship. These individual boundaries have to do with self-determination and self-respect. They define each partner's right to keep some part of themselves separate from the relationship (to not let it define them utterly), and also to expect that their partner will treat them with respect. When these individual boundaries are intact and in place, the partners feel respected and cared for and not taken for granted." From Setting Boundaries Appropriately

In this case, the above paragraph applies to a relationship. The process of drawing out the boundaries was a long drawn, but nevertheless a rewarding one. The most important ones which he recognizes include the following:

• Keep things strictly professional with no small talks;

• Avoid emotional intimacy at all costs; 

• Prevent getting an office spouse*;

• Cease complain about his marital issues, even in a group setting;

• Never ask or encourage the opposite gender to share their relationship problems or complaints about their partner;

• Avoid being in tricky situations which may put him in vulnerable positions;

• Encourage to work in group settings and shy away from 1-1 interaction and;

• Declare any minor attraction (be it sexually or not) to the opposite gender.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

To be blunt, the effort taken to fill up the memory bank is very tedious. This onerous journey is not a smooth sailing, but more of a rough one, rocked by storms as we set sail for reconciliation. In actuality, even after nearly 2 years, there are still moments when we wonder if we can ever pull through the rough period.

However, as long as we don't lose sight of the ultimate goal, we are still doing OK.

For now. 🤞